I was with somebody who made me believe I was a work-in-progress. I wasn’t good enough just being myself, I had to adapt to his beliefs of what the perfect woman should be. He worshiped himself, as did his friends and family… it was just standard for me to be in the same boat as them, devoting my existence to his every desire. The worst part is: I actually tried. I tried so hard to be everything he wanted me to be, just to belong. I look back now and realize I was settling. Not settling for him in a degrading way, settling for a certain lifestyle that would limit me from being anything I wanted or needed to be. I sacrificed myself. I lost myself. I adored somebody who never really appreciated the person I truly was, and certainly didn’t respect me for that either. Being in love isn’t a good enough reason to stay. Being content and accepting that you could probably continue your current life isn’t a good enough reason to do so. Think bigger. Be the best you can be. Do not ever feel held back by anybody.
I thought I had hit bottom many times before.
When my lover finally gave up on me. When my father abandoned my family. When my mum admitted she loved alcohol more than both her children and gave up on herself entirely.
Despite spending months in the fetal position shivering from crying so hard, turning to medication and giving up on my education and family, these events weren’t as bad as life got.
Last week I turned twenty-one. After wasting a year of my life being patronized and transforming into an empty shell of a human, I finally found the strength to shut the man I loved out of my life. It took time but eventually I found comfort in a friend and decided it was time for a rebound. I was terrified, but I felt strong and in control for the first time in a long time.
Last week I turned twenty-one and discovered that I was pregnant. Having just started university, having no emotional attachment to my rebound and intending to travel later in the year, I knew I needed to terminate this child.
I’ve always hated kids. They’re annoying. But thanks to hormones I had never experienced love like I did for the evil, blueberry sized demon causing my stomach to cramp up each morning. I wanted to keep it, something I’d never expected from myself.
Yesterday, the friend who blessed me with this ‘gift’ took me to the local abortion clinic, and six hours later it was done.
I rushed this decision, and I know deep down it was the right one. So why have I thought of nothing but ending my life since? I thought I had grown from the life of feeling sorry for myself but I honestly don’t know what I’m living for anymore.
I did this for you.
Firstly, I don’t know how you found this page but thank you for popping in.
I am nobody special. Just an average girl from the outside. But what people sense when they first meet me is strength, power and comfort, because that’s who I am. That’s who I’ve become.
My idea for this blog started when I downloaded the ‘timehop’ app on my phone which displayed my Facebook status’ over the past five years. One that caught my attention was ‘dearest mother, I would like us to go one day without trying to rip each other’s throats out, just one.’
When I wasn’t running away from home, wagging school, drinking cheap vodka at the skate park and having sex with the first of my many ex lovers, I was crying in my room wanting to die.
How is it that in five short years the girl who most people suspected would be pregnant or on heroin completely transformed into an elegant woman with a great job and great relationship with my family? That’s what I’m trying to dive into. By exploring the various issues that have occurred and the lessons I learnt, I would like to pass on my wisdom and strength to you.
I want to be the woman I needed when I was fourteen.
Manson Mentality 